Reflections at (almost) 22
I turn 22 in a few days, and there’s a lot on my mind — but that’s not really new, and those close to me will attest to how rare it is for me take a break from thinking, judging, analysing… you name it. Some people call this overthinking. Admittedly, more often than not, my thoughts are my preferred company.
But thinking out loud? “That’s hardly something Daphne would do.”
Hate is a strong word, and I make an effort not to use the word lightly. (More on my advocacy for using language accurately and effectively another time.) So when I say I hate thinking out loud, I mean it wholeheartedly. I don’t know when it started and I don’t know why — perhaps it has something to do with a lifelong reputation and (self-imposed) expectation to always deliver polished output — but I’ve always avoided speaking if my thoughts weren’t refined, or publishing if I wasn’t sure I would be satisfied with my work when I look back in ‘X’ years time. Yes, I said years, and I realise how ridiculous this sounds though I don’t have an explanation for why this is, it just is. I didn’t even submit a page for my high school yearbook because I had no idea what about my high school years and 18-year-old self I wanted to capture and wouldn’t regret when I look back at high school that I ended up capturing nothing at all.
For a long time, keeping my thoughts private served me sufficiently… until it didn’t anymore.
At some point, all the learnings, realisations, opinions and confessions I internalised — however sparkly they were initially — became overwhelming, even paralysing, and unexpressed posed a glaring obstacle in my path forward.
At the same time the world faced a major upheaval, I entered a somewhat new chapter of life, marked by new priorities, routines, hobbies and milestones. I unlearned and relearned lessons about empathy, ego, resilience, family and relationships. And whatever the reason, I think I’m “ready” to share a bit more openly.
This isn’t really a proper post I guess, but some rumination and a gesture to give myself permission to share and liberate my thoughts…
This is me thinking out loud; and I welcome anyone to add to, or challenge, what’s on my mind.